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Love was a promise made of smoke
in a frozen copse of trees
Dear Jamie, Redux 
20th-Feb-2012 10:42 am
kingdom below
It doesn't feel like even nearly a entire year, and yet time's dragged by so slowly without you. This time last year, you were living your last few hours on this Earth. I was getting ready to go stay with the girls at Wordsworth for a flat viewing with Her Royal Cleanliness on the Monday morning. I hadn't managed to make it to the London trip when everyone else had seen you last; Halloween was the last I ever saw of you. You were the Hatter and I was Alice. I lent you my grandad's old cane and that gold, satin sash from the cocktail dress I wore to Kat's birthday night out when we were at uni, so you could tie it around your hat. You helped me up onto the bar at R&D in six-inch heels with you for the costume contest. We danced like nutters together and I'll never dance like that again because I drew my confidence from you. The next day you hugged me goodbye, and if I'd known, then, that it'd be the last time I'd ever be hugged by you, I'd never have let go.

I miss you so much. I can't even fathom it; I've seen a lot of shitty stuff in my as-of-yet short life, and the majority of that has been death, but I've never felt loss like this. There's not a day goes by when I don't see or hear something that reminds me of you. There's a box of green tea or something similarly vile in the cupboard at home that was given to me, and nobody I know likes it -- nobody now that you're gone. Jac did this geeky thumbs-up thing the other day that had your trademark all over it. Yesterday I woke up virtually in tears because I'd been dreaming about you; you were right there, in front of me, smiling and talking as though reality was the true dream and it'd never happened. That was the first time I'd seen you in my dreams since it happened, and my heart broke all over again. I'm so glad I was here in Syston with Jac, and not at home. Looking at photos of you from good times gone by is one thing; seeing you alive and well, happy and tall and corporeal.. it reminded me of what's been missing from my life since you were stolen away from us. It made it that much more painfully real.

I was talking with Jac on the phone last week about how horribly unpredictable life is. In an hour's time, I could fall down the stairs and break my neck, and never see the light of day again. Or, I could go and meet Hazel according to plan and have a brilliant little catch-up and reminisce with someone I know to be a true friend, just like you were. Life's a game of Russian Roulette, and to whom the gun belongs, I don't know, but I know, and I know that you knew, that in the wake of tragedy, the best way forward is to adopt the vitality and determination of those lost, and plough on with a defiant smile.

I love you, HasuKimi. I'll never forget. ♥
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